Unable to sleep one night, I had this feeling that I can only describe as God's presence. He has often shown me things through dreams and visions so it wasn't unfamiliar. For no reason I sensed 'It is time' and showed me a picture of myself. My heart started pounding and an overwhelming feeling of fear flooded me. I don't know if I could do this. Still don't know if I can. But my fear shifted slightly when I saw I could use my creative side. A creative side that thanks to certain people in my life I only recently have understood that it is a gift, and a gift I need to use to let everyone see the beauty in everything
For some what I experienced will mean nothing. For some it will bring judgement and for some it will bring understanding. But you don't need to understand my struggle to respect it.
It came out of no where. An unbearable feeling that I would never wish upon anyone. My whole body shaking, unable to comprehend what was happening. It was like being in a nightmare where you tried to scream but no sound came out. It was an overbearing feeling and experience I had never felt before, I hadn't even heard of anything like it.
Being night time, there I was alone unable to seek help. With little sleep I woke the next morning to text my friend 'please pray for me,' My body still shaking, I couldn't eat, I couldn't talk, I couldn't function and this went on for days. I had no idea what I was going through.
It had left me brutally shattered and shaken. There was nothing on earth to describe it. No one had ever told me anything about such an experience. Even years later there is no way to describe it other than shear hell, an uncontrollable terror. Slowly after weeks I learnt to function in normal day to day activities again. But something had changed and I couldn't face life in the same way. Often turning friends down and not going anywhere pretending to be 'busy', I lived every single moment in fear that it would happen again as I had no idea what it was and too afraid to talk to anyone about it as I thought they would think I'm an absolute freak or pyscho.
Then one day Bam! We meet again. I have no idea what triggered it. Again I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't be alone or the fear would over power me. Just as I felt I had control of it, it would rattle me down to make me feel so pathetic and so helpless. Night time was traumatic for me as there was no one to help distract me from the hell I was living. I thought that distraction was my only safety.
I felt like a freak. I felt SO sorry for those around me. There came a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. Death seemed better than this suffering but somehow I knew I would never actually do anything to myself.
No words could ever describe the crippling place I continually found myself. It was so paralyzing. I would cry out to God. I would search his word to find the answers. Have I been punished for something? What have I done to deserve this? I sort prayer from pastors and friends but I tried to keep it a secret from anyone who didn't need to know. I was so embarrassed and so ashamed.
It came out of no where. An unbearable feeling that I would never wish upon anyone. My whole body shaking, unable to comprehend what was happening. It was like being in a nightmare where you tried to scream but no sound came out. It was an overbearing feeling and experience I had never felt before, I hadn't even heard of anything like it.
Being night time, there I was alone unable to seek help. With little sleep I woke the next morning to text my friend 'please pray for me,' My body still shaking, I couldn't eat, I couldn't talk, I couldn't function and this went on for days. I had no idea what I was going through.
It had left me brutally shattered and shaken. There was nothing on earth to describe it. No one had ever told me anything about such an experience. Even years later there is no way to describe it other than shear hell, an uncontrollable terror. Slowly after weeks I learnt to function in normal day to day activities again. But something had changed and I couldn't face life in the same way. Often turning friends down and not going anywhere pretending to be 'busy', I lived every single moment in fear that it would happen again as I had no idea what it was and too afraid to talk to anyone about it as I thought they would think I'm an absolute freak or pyscho.
Then one day Bam! We meet again. I have no idea what triggered it. Again I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't be alone or the fear would over power me. Just as I felt I had control of it, it would rattle me down to make me feel so pathetic and so helpless. Night time was traumatic for me as there was no one to help distract me from the hell I was living. I thought that distraction was my only safety.
I felt like a freak. I felt SO sorry for those around me. There came a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. Death seemed better than this suffering but somehow I knew I would never actually do anything to myself.
No words could ever describe the crippling place I continually found myself. It was so paralyzing. I would cry out to God. I would search his word to find the answers. Have I been punished for something? What have I done to deserve this? I sort prayer from pastors and friends but I tried to keep it a secret from anyone who didn't need to know. I was so embarrassed and so ashamed.
At breaking point we had another pastor pray for me thinking still it was spiritual. I had given it all to God. There was nothing left to give. Please God take my pain. Not only through the prayer but the fact that the pastor happened to be there that night in my in laws home made me see God did have his hand on this. My first ray of sunshine. He shared how he had seen someone close to him suffer in the same way. He said it wouldn't be a bad idea to seek medical advice. What? Someone could help me???? Why had no one told me this before.
I had hope. I sort medical help thinking they will think I am a pure freak. But the peace that came with the look on their faces was assurance that there was some help. I still hate saying this and I still hate calling it this but the doctor said I am suffering anxiety. I still read to this day people sharing about their anxieties and it makes me so angry. You have NO idea what true anxiety is and how death is the only thing that feels like its going to take the nightmare away. Don't tell me I had a little 'panic attack'. You have NO comparison to my suffering unless you have been there too. Its a paralysing nervous breakdown with the terrifying power of anxiety.
So the doctors bombed me out and for the first time in a very long time I had some hope and I had some relief. But it wasn't all over. I had to some how come to terms that I was taking medication and tell my friends thinking they would treat me differently because of that. I had some say that I shouldn't need the medication and that God would heal me. I had some that embraced it but I could see in their eyes that now they thought differently of me. But I thank God for my husband who believed in me and loved me the same.
Slowly I came to a life with more function. But then I started breaking out in full body blisters. This triggered all the hell to come back and in seeking medical advice they said 'here lets treat this with uv'. Being left in the machine for too long I experienced full body burns. Ending up in emergency unable to walk and my body physically scarred. It was a sudden realisation that I was allergic to this medication that had given me hope. That was the biggest fear in itself to face as it meant knowing I had to stop the medication and go back to living a nightmare. I visited the doctor who tried another medication, this too I was allergic too, and another, allergic aswell. Thankfully the last one with the last hope agreed with my body but of course meant side affects.
I hated myself. I couldn't even be myself. I had lost myself.
So the doctors bombed me out and for the first time in a very long time I had some hope and I had some relief. But it wasn't all over. I had to some how come to terms that I was taking medication and tell my friends thinking they would treat me differently because of that. I had some say that I shouldn't need the medication and that God would heal me. I had some that embraced it but I could see in their eyes that now they thought differently of me. But I thank God for my husband who believed in me and loved me the same.
Slowly I came to a life with more function. But then I started breaking out in full body blisters. This triggered all the hell to come back and in seeking medical advice they said 'here lets treat this with uv'. Being left in the machine for too long I experienced full body burns. Ending up in emergency unable to walk and my body physically scarred. It was a sudden realisation that I was allergic to this medication that had given me hope. That was the biggest fear in itself to face as it meant knowing I had to stop the medication and go back to living a nightmare. I visited the doctor who tried another medication, this too I was allergic too, and another, allergic aswell. Thankfully the last one with the last hope agreed with my body but of course meant side affects.
I hated myself. I couldn't even be myself. I had lost myself.
edication did give me the relief I needed and let me live fairly well. I was able to hide my sufferings quite well. Always put on a brave face.
But I faced another battle with this cruel power as I was struck down with appendicitis. Being admitted to hospital and all the unfamiliar situations, set me off into a spiraling place I could not control. Being extremely ill physically was a killer for me mentally and I lost 8 kilos in 11 weeks. My hubby was an amazing rock and did whatever it took to get me through each day. Trying to cook for me and being my distraction. We got through that season eventually.
I became more aware of new triggers. Expectancies were a trigger. Not only expectancies others put on me but those I put on myself, and if I was weak and couldn't meet my own expectancies, I would spiral into a dark hole. Food was another trigger. If I was even slightly weak, the thought of having to cook or find some food for hubby or my kids would send me flying over the cliff. Its come to the point now, hubby knows if I'm in a bad place, he will just step in and deal with the food. He cooked for 4 months straight for me once as I just couldn't deal with it.
There came times where I felt comfortable to get off my medication. Ideally I didn't want to live on it, it wasn't the best to stay on it long term and the side effects weren't that joyus either.
But for nearly 6 years I lived this constant battle of living in hell. Every day of my life was lived in fear that something could trigger me. It was like living on the edge of a cliff. All it took was a gust of wind and I could be off the edge and once off the edge it took forever to get the strength to climb back up.
I have never really shared with anyone how impacting and life controlling this really was.
As I lost count of the episodes over the years, I would come out of each episode looking back on it and actually seeing God was there beside me and actually held my hand. I felt each time I would go through this, he would teach me something knew, and mould me into someone better. He wouldn't give me more than I could handle even at the time it felt I could take no more. He was moulding me into the future person he needed me to be.
I had this picture once of me crying out whilst in my weakest moment and God had his arms wrapped around me crying with me. I had this peace that I experienced this for a reason. But he was there with me.
But I faced another battle with this cruel power as I was struck down with appendicitis. Being admitted to hospital and all the unfamiliar situations, set me off into a spiraling place I could not control. Being extremely ill physically was a killer for me mentally and I lost 8 kilos in 11 weeks. My hubby was an amazing rock and did whatever it took to get me through each day. Trying to cook for me and being my distraction. We got through that season eventually.
I became more aware of new triggers. Expectancies were a trigger. Not only expectancies others put on me but those I put on myself, and if I was weak and couldn't meet my own expectancies, I would spiral into a dark hole. Food was another trigger. If I was even slightly weak, the thought of having to cook or find some food for hubby or my kids would send me flying over the cliff. Its come to the point now, hubby knows if I'm in a bad place, he will just step in and deal with the food. He cooked for 4 months straight for me once as I just couldn't deal with it.
There came times where I felt comfortable to get off my medication. Ideally I didn't want to live on it, it wasn't the best to stay on it long term and the side effects weren't that joyus either.
But for nearly 6 years I lived this constant battle of living in hell. Every day of my life was lived in fear that something could trigger me. It was like living on the edge of a cliff. All it took was a gust of wind and I could be off the edge and once off the edge it took forever to get the strength to climb back up.
I have never really shared with anyone how impacting and life controlling this really was.
As I lost count of the episodes over the years, I would come out of each episode looking back on it and actually seeing God was there beside me and actually held my hand. I felt each time I would go through this, he would teach me something knew, and mould me into someone better. He wouldn't give me more than I could handle even at the time it felt I could take no more. He was moulding me into the future person he needed me to be.
I had this picture once of me crying out whilst in my weakest moment and God had his arms wrapped around me crying with me. I had this peace that I experienced this for a reason. But he was there with me.
I slowly learnt my major triggers and that anything out of the normal would set me off. That could be someone being sick, someone trying to surprise me, moving house, changing jobs, going on holidays, christmas, birthdays..... but then I learnt to help get through it I needed to distract and do something normal. This was something like watching tv until I fell asleep, or walking around the supermarket which sounds really dumb I know. Biggest thing is I couldn't be alone and getting out was the best medicine. But thinking I had reliance on medication if things really got bad was a safety net. So entering pregnancy was a huge challenge. I was able to hit 20 weeks with out falling off the cliff. But then BAM, the worst one yet and it was all made that much worse by knowing I couldn't have medication during pregnancy.
I saw a doctor who in the first time in all my suffering actually explained about how my brain was effected and its all about a chemical imbalance. I felt suddenly stronger knowing this whole thing was a chemical imbalance and not just a weakness. That was so empowering. But not empowering enough at the time. I had to accept that I needed medication but then the guilt of possibly effecting my baby was just as bad.
I pulled myself together over 12 weeks. Then slowly weaned myself off the medication with the assistance of a naturopath. I was so proud to make it to 38 weeks on 100% natural medication for my babies health.
But through a tedious 28 hour labour I could breifly hold my daughter before the feelings came flooding back and I was unable to hold her for 2 hours as I just couldn't deal with the cliff face I was battling with. I managed to hold it together through self talk and distraction so that I could hold her again. My next fear was facing a night in hospital with a baby and no one I knew to help me if I fell off that cliff.
I don't think I stopped praying. I just kept talking to God and I made it.
The next day my baby was my focus and my distraction from my own torturing thoughts and I felt amazing! I felt so empowered so blessed and loved having a new purpose in life.
Although there were episodes in the years after her, I handled it a little better each time and understood my triggers and my distractions.
For me to share this is honestly the most daunting and 'baring all' thing I have ever done. I have felt embarrassed, ashamed, stupid, guilty, weak and judged to have gone through this. It is a horrible horrible experience. But without it I wouldn't have been able to help others through similar situations, or be understanding in their times of suffering, or be considerate and non judgmental to people in many different circumstances. As difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.
Although at time fear still takes over my decision making and journey and even in sharing this it has been a mighty struggle and knowing that some may treat me differently because I may seem weak, I hope that in some way this helps someone. You can be free from this. There was a point where I decided that I will NOT accept this as my life. I was going to fight this. I will be robbed no longer.
I saw a doctor who in the first time in all my suffering actually explained about how my brain was effected and its all about a chemical imbalance. I felt suddenly stronger knowing this whole thing was a chemical imbalance and not just a weakness. That was so empowering. But not empowering enough at the time. I had to accept that I needed medication but then the guilt of possibly effecting my baby was just as bad.
I pulled myself together over 12 weeks. Then slowly weaned myself off the medication with the assistance of a naturopath. I was so proud to make it to 38 weeks on 100% natural medication for my babies health.
But through a tedious 28 hour labour I could breifly hold my daughter before the feelings came flooding back and I was unable to hold her for 2 hours as I just couldn't deal with the cliff face I was battling with. I managed to hold it together through self talk and distraction so that I could hold her again. My next fear was facing a night in hospital with a baby and no one I knew to help me if I fell off that cliff.
I don't think I stopped praying. I just kept talking to God and I made it.
The next day my baby was my focus and my distraction from my own torturing thoughts and I felt amazing! I felt so empowered so blessed and loved having a new purpose in life.
Although there were episodes in the years after her, I handled it a little better each time and understood my triggers and my distractions.
For me to share this is honestly the most daunting and 'baring all' thing I have ever done. I have felt embarrassed, ashamed, stupid, guilty, weak and judged to have gone through this. It is a horrible horrible experience. But without it I wouldn't have been able to help others through similar situations, or be understanding in their times of suffering, or be considerate and non judgmental to people in many different circumstances. As difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.
Although at time fear still takes over my decision making and journey and even in sharing this it has been a mighty struggle and knowing that some may treat me differently because I may seem weak, I hope that in some way this helps someone. You can be free from this. There was a point where I decided that I will NOT accept this as my life. I was going to fight this. I will be robbed no longer.
My greatest thing to come of this is my awareness of creativity. If my mind isn't making something or designing something, it will break. Behind the camera I'm in a whole new world and I thank God for that blessing. He has shown me my mind is not ruled by anxiety but by creativity that is a different kind of crazy, but an exciting kind of crazy
You will find me now, the person to jump at the chance of being involved in something, saying yes and never letting an opportunity slip me by. I want to live life to the full. I want to get back the 6 years that were robbed from me. So now I'm excited to live.
From my creativity brain I have now met some amazing people with incredible talents and finally feel at HOME in who I am.
Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed, it means the damage no longer controls our lives.
Even as I read this I feel like deleting it and trying to forget it all.
But I need to remember God said:
IT IS TIME...
You will find me now, the person to jump at the chance of being involved in something, saying yes and never letting an opportunity slip me by. I want to live life to the full. I want to get back the 6 years that were robbed from me. So now I'm excited to live.
From my creativity brain I have now met some amazing people with incredible talents and finally feel at HOME in who I am.
Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed, it means the damage no longer controls our lives.
Even as I read this I feel like deleting it and trying to forget it all.
But I need to remember God said:
IT IS TIME...
